LxREADER--Remembering How to Forget--

LxREADER
Remembering How to Forget


    You wake up. Your head rises from the table staring down at the empty bottles. Six beers last night.... Less then Friday.... You woble up to cheack the time, trying to avoid the pounding headache from last night's rush. Two O'Clock.... Sigh. Not again.... The Cheif's gunna have your neck. You feel a buzz in your front pocket. It's your phone. Looking at it you find 34 messages. All missed calls. All from the investigaition team. Some from Light, others from Aizawa, but of coarse the Chief sent 20.
    It's been a week. Why were you so upset? Because the greatest detective was gone? No. Because the love of your life was gone. KIRA got him.... KIRA this, KIRA that. That's all you heard. On the news, on the street, there was just no closure. That wasn't all your problems though. Well... It started the rest. You've been drinking alot lately. You've done nothing but lay in bed, and you havn't shown up for work. Why did he have to die...? Why...?
    You hear a pounding, not in your head this time, but on the door. "________!? Open up! It's me and Matsuda!" Aizawa.... Great.... You open the door, pulling your tangled hair back into a ponytail. Trying to look decent but... "________ you look awful..." Aizawa mutters. "Thanks" you reply sarcasticly. "That's what every girl wants to hear." "________ I'm sorry... I really am" Matsuda says sadly. "But you have to get to work! Cheif's blowing a fuse!" "Don't care..." you mutter. "I just don't care anymore... My head is pounding and I'm tired... I smell like beer and look like a mess and just don't give a shit anymore..."
    Aizawa sighs. "________ get dressed. Brush your hair, take a shower, do it now. We're taking you to the doctor." "I don't need a Fucking shrink Aizawa! I NEED to be alone!" "Yeah, and look where it's getting you!" he hollars. You look down, ashamed of yourself. "Fine... I'll be out in a minute...." You take a shower and put on a tee-shirt and jeans. You get into the car and leave with them, still feeling the pounding through your head. 'Just what I need...' you think to yourself 'A quack and a headache...'

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    You wait in the hallway, with Matsuda. "I don't ned a doctor Matsu... I need to be home..." "_______ please... You're depressed and you need help..." The secritary walks up to you. "Doctor Furude is ready for you." You walk into the room, shuting the door behind you and sit in the chair. The doctor raises his eyebrow a bit. "So quick to sit?" You shrug. "I'm just tired... And drunk and confused..."
    He sits across from you. "Just call me Daichi. From what your friends told me, someone passed away." "Yeah..." you reply. "A... Good friend..." He smiles a bit. "You don't have to hide it. They told me." "More like... Someone I really loved..." you mutter. You know you couldn't tell the doctor he was L... A little lie maybe.... "He had a heart attack... He... was an officer searching for KIRA. I am too..." "And you think drinking is going to get rid of these problems?" "It's only my second time!" you argue. "I can quit when I want!" Daichi glares. "And if you don't?" You pause. You never really thought of that. What IF you didn't stop?
    "I want you to do two things for me..." he says filling out a perscription. "I want you to take this anti-depresant twice a day. Also..." "Also...?" He pauses for a bit. Studdying how you're sitting. "When my wife was pregnant she used to sit like that... And she'd sit alot... Did you and this man ever have any sexual relations?" You look up, a bit shocked to hear this question. "Well... O-once.... A week before he died... But he used a condom so-" "Protection dosn't always protect." He inurupted.
    He reached into his desk drawr and pulled out a pregnancy tester. "I have a paitent who's a recovering sex adict, and I have these to 'scare' her out of her problem a little.... I want you to use this right now. And if it's positive, you need an ultra sound right away, from all that drinking..." You look at it a bit stuned. "You think I'm.... Pregnant...?" He hands it to you. "Just to be safe.... If you continue drinking, and you are pregnant, you could kill the baby."
    You walk slowly into the small bathroom in his office, hoping, praying, wishing you're not. 'No...' you think to yourself. 'I'm not... I can't be....' You finish the test and look at the tester. You've never needed to use one before.... You walk out with it in hand. "I don't know how to read it..." Daichi looks down at the tester. There's a long pause. An akward silence. "________.... It's positive...."
    You feel the tester slip from your hands as tears well up in your eyes. You fall to your knees and start to sob. "You're lying!!! I can't be!!! I'm not!!!" You can hear a voice playback in your head. Over and over as you sob... "What if you killed our child ________! What if he's dead!" "I'm sorry Ryuzaki!!!" you scream back. "I'm sorry! I'm sorry!!!!" The doctor tries to help you up, but he can't stop your sobbing and frantic screaming. Screaming at yourself.... Screaming at L... At Ryuzaki....

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    You end up lying in bed again. The drinking stoped. Of cuarse it did though.... You nearly killed the baby.... You had an ultra sound the week earlier, and found out the baby would be fine.... But.... Why...? Why did you ever get pregnant? Why? He even wore a condom.... Why was L dead? Why did God hate you? You couldn't take care of a child all alone... And abortion.... No... It was like killing yourself... You burried your face into the pillow and sobed. "Ryuzaki... I'm sorry... I miss you... I need you..."
    Your phone rang again. I was the cheif. You didn't show up for work again.... You threw it against the wall and sobbed even hader. "Fuck you L!!! Fuck the Cheif and the task force!!! Fuck the world I'm done!!! I quit!!!" Sobbing into your knees, you hear that familliar voice again.
    "Fuck me huh? I'm not the only one that cosented to sexual activity ________." "Screw you!!!" you screamed. "You're not the one who's pregnant and alone!!!" "Pregnant, no. Alone, I am. I'm very alone ________. I can't hold you anymore. I can't kiss you, or stroke your hair.... I'm breaking inside, but I'm never going to give up and leave you. No matter how much it hurts to stay, I'm never going to leave. Don't you understand that?"
    You sobs become louder and harder. "But you DID leave L!!! You DID leave!!!" The voice gets louder. "No I didn't. I'm never going to leave ________. And I'm never going to stop talking when you need it. I love you. More than anything. You, and the baby. I need you to talk to the cheif ok? I need you to stay strong no matter how much it hurts. 'Cause I'm doing the same." You pause for awhile. "You mean that...? You really love the baby...?" "Of coarse I do ________. He's MY kid. He's OUR kid. The both of you mean more than anything to me..."
    You whipe your eyes and rest your head on the pillow. "I love you Ryuzaki... And I'll keep trying." You smile a bit, waiting for a responce, but there's none. "Ryuzaki...?" Still no responce. Again, you're all alone. You pick up the phone and call the cheif. "Cheif? .......Yeah I know... Can we talk face to face later....?"

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    You took leave from the task force for two years, and had a healthy baby boy named Ryuzaki. You kept trying to forget KIRA, but it still floated atop your mind. What if L were here? Would he be proud? Everytime you closed your eyes, the voices kept comming back. "I love you. I'm so proud of you. I'll never leave."
    You sometimes thought to yourself you were crazy, but yet, the voices comforted you a little. Forgetting was hard, especially scince Ryuzaki was the spitting image of L. But then again, you didn't want to remember how to forget. You never wanted that voice to leave. Because you loved him too much to forget.